Supporting Bereaved Children and Young People on Father’s Day
Grief is an ongoing journey for bereaved children, so days like Father’s Day, no matter when the death was, will likely have an impact on bereaved children and young people. As they grow, their understanding of the death and how they feel about it will change. So how they would like to mark Father’s Day will likely change too. This is perfectly normal.
Every child is an individual, so their grief will be individual too. Even amongst siblings, their experience of grief will be different, and what they need will likely vary. This can leave us worried about doing or saying the wrong thing. That’s ok. We’re human and we won’t get it right all the time. If we remember to keep the conversation open, to be curious, to create a safe space for their emotions, whatever they might be, to give options and choice, to model how we cope with and express our own grief, and to provide reassurance and comfort, we’ll be on the right track.
Here are some ways to help a bereaved child navigate this day:
- Keep the conversation open
Gently open up the conversation in advance of Father’s day. Let them know you are thinking about their father too, that there is no right or wrong way to feel, and that they can talk to you about whatever is on their mind, when and if they want to. If they don’t want to talk now, that’s fine, but revisit it.
- Be Curious
If they are comfortable talking, be curious about what things are like for them now. Encourage the child to share stories or talk about their dad. For example, you could ask what they remember about their dad, or what they enjoyed doing with him, or what they miss, or what annoyed them about him, or what is different for them now.
- Create a safe space for their emotions
Whatever emotions come up for the child on days like today, remain calm and offer them comfort and reassurance. Let them know you can handle the emotions and that all emotions are welcome. If they are having trouble speaking about their emotions, when they’re ready, you could use an emotions wheel or offer them paint or markers to draw out their feelings. We have some creative ideas to help children express their emotions here.
- Provide options and allow choice
Giving the child or young person options on what they would like to do, if anything, to mark the day gives them a sense of control and can help them to feel safe. Follow the child’s lead and let them know they can change their mind. Depending on how recently they were bereaved, it may just be too much this year to do anything. But next year, make sure to provide options again.
- Show your Grief
Children learn by observing their parents and carers. When a parent openly expresses grief, it demonstrates that it’s okay to feel and show emotions. It reassures children that they are not alone in their emotions. Being mindful of the child’s age and emotional capacity will help guide you as to how much to share with the child. Use age-appropriate language to explain the situation. Encourage children to ask questions. Let the child know they are not responsible for looking after you and explain how you cope with your grief and who is supporting you.
- Provide Reassurance and Comfort
You are the expert in knowing what comforts and reassures your child. Is it duvet days and Disney movies. Is it a favourite meal? Is it hugs and gentle voices? Is it extra chats at bedtime? Whatever it is, incorporate it into Father’s Day. Trust your expertise.
- Teachers can help too
Making a Father’s Day card in class can be an enjoyable activity for some children grieving a father’s death. They might like to use it as an opportunity to ‘speak’ with their dad. They might like to bring it to their father’s resting place. For some children, this activity might be upsetting and make them feel different from their peers. Giving the child a choice about whether to make one or not is important. Have a chat with their teacher in the lead up to Father’s Day so you can work together to support the child.
8. Look after Yourself
If you are the surviving parent or carer, this can be a difficult day for you too. Make sure you draw on the support of your friends and family. Reach out and express your own feelings about what this day means to you now. You can always call the Irish Hospice Foundation’s Bereavement Support Line.
