Returning to school after a death in the family can be hard for children, even though they generally look forward to doing ‘normal’ things and seeing their friends.
Some children may have been bereaved during the school holidays. For others, this may be the first time they’re preparing for a new school year without a significant person. Maybe that person was the one who made sure they had the pencil case they wanted, that the uniform and sports gear were ready, that their lunch had an extra treat for the first day back, or who helped calm their nerves ahead of their first day back.
By sharing information and working together, families, carers, and schools can make sure children don’t feel alone in their loss. School can offer stability, routine, and a safe space where children can express themselves, or have a break from grief.
Each child is individual, but in general, returning to school quite soon after the death and related rituals, is helpful and protective for the child. You can make it easier for a child to go back to school by:
Involving the bereaved child in the discussions about returning to school.
- Ask the child in advance of their return to school how they think their teacher(s) could help them.
- Listen to their concerns. They may be worrying how their friends will treat them or if they will get upset in school. Talking about these worries can help ease them and help plan for how to support the child.
- If your child prefers the death to be acknowledged in school, perhaps the teacher could mention it to the class or have a minute’s silence. Some children do not want any attention on them and may not want the death acknowledged in school at all. Ask your child which they would prefer.
Families and Schools can work together to support bereaved children.
- It’s important for parents or carers to tell the school about the bereavement if they do not know. This is especially important where a child is transitioning to a different school, where the new school community may have no knowledge of the bereavement.
- parents or carers can inform the child’s teacher and year head about what the child has been told about the death, how they reacted, and if there is anything in particular the teacher should look out for.
- Teachers can be an important part of the caring circle for grieving children. They may notice changes in how the child is managing at school. Communicating and checking in with the child’s teacher(s) regularly may help families and carers.
- Teachers knowing when the anniversary is can help them be sensitive to the needs of the child.
- Any day can be difficult for a grieving child, but some are harder than others. Days such as Mother’s Day or Father’s Day can be difficult if the class is engaged in making cards for parents: a bereaved child needs choice as to what they would like to do. Many make cards to remember their deceased parent and use them in different ways. But some may prefer to do something completely unrelated.
- Teachers can keep in mind the less obvious instances where a parent might be missed; a missing lunch, forgotten homework, ‘tell us about your holidays’ exercises, end of day and pick up routines, the first birthday without their person, ‘draw your family’ exercises, and so on.
- Teachers can show extra patience and understanding now and into the future. Grief can be an ongoing process for children, with grief can reemerge over time.
- If the child is comfortable to have a conversation with the teacher about their bereavement, this can be a good opportunity for teachers to let the child know they are looking out for them and that they have their support. They can also plan together how the child would like to be supported if they get overwhelmed or upset.
- Teachers can adjust expectations when concentration or behaviour is affected. Bereaved children often find it hard to concentrate in school. This is usually temporary but a little support can help the child stay on track.
More information for schools here or download our Teachers leaflet here.
More information for families here or download our Understanding Children’s Grief leaflet here.
Managing change:
A death in the family will bring lots of changes for everyone, including children. Although many changes cannot be avoided it is best to keep changes to a minimum. Consider what changes your child is going through that you may not have noticed. Children feel most secure when life seems to go on as before and seems predictable. Help your child by:
- Keeping the same routine for bedtime, mealtimes, activities, screen-time etc.
- Being consistent with discipline; firm but fair. It is easy for this to become relaxed as we may feel we are being kind, but a child feels safe when the usual rules apply.
- Getting back into the childcare/school routine can assist in settling a child after a time of change and upheaval. Carers, babysitters or child-minders should be kept the same if possible.
- Not making big changes to care in the weeks or months after the death of a close family member.
- Preparing them in advance for any changes; involving them and giving them plenty of time to adjust.
- Limiting visitors to the home after the death. This may be difficult but necessary in order for things to settle down for young children.