How children understand and react to grief depends on their age and stage of development. Grief is a heavy burden for a child to carry continually, so they need to put it down sometimes. Grief changes as children get older. As they grow and mature, their understanding of death increases, and they may need to revisit their grief again over the years. It can often be surprising for adults that children are talking or upset about a loss that happened perhaps years earlier when the child was much younger. It is very natural for them to try to understand the loss when they have developed a better ability to do so. When you realise what your child’s understanding of death is, you can help them.
Resource and Audio version available below.
Children’s Understanding of Death
Children do not fully understand death. They don’t realise death is permanent and will happen to everyone. It’s important they know that the person has died, is not simply ‘asleep’, and that they will not return.
Reactions
Although babies, toddlers and preschool children may not understand the concept of death, they may sense the person’s absence and pick up on the distress of those around them. They may become withdrawn or have loud outbursts of crying or display clinginess to others. Also some regression in relation to toilet training, sleep routine, soother or thumb sucking may occur.
How to support
Maintain their routine as much as possible to reassure them.
- Play familiar music and games.
- Keep regular mealtimes and prepare favourite foods.
- Give extra time to comfort when necessary.
- Encourage asking questions and answer as honestly as you can.
- Continuing memories: photo albums and creating memory boxes are a great way to do this.
- Encouraging asking for help – come up with ways that your child can indicate when they need support or reassurance. You can role
model this too. - Create time and space for immediate family to reassure the child after losing a significant person.
Children of this age gradually learn that death is final and that all living things will die at some time.
Reactions
Initial shock may be followed by very little reaction. Some children may experience night terrors, trouble sleeping, tears, separation anxiety, repeating the same questions and may expect the person who has died to come back.
How to support
- As with younger age continue to encourage asking questions, continuing memories, asking for help and reassurance.
- Be factual about what has happened. Children don’t need to know every detail but giving them facts will help them build and maintain trust.
- Use the words ‘died’ and ‘dead’ to help them understand that the person is not coming back.
- Explain rituals as they are happening and include children where possible.
- Children may regress (want to sleep in carer’s bed, look for extra comfort).
- Let staff in their school and clubs know what has happened as they may form part of the child’s wider circle of support.
Children at this age have the capacity to understand death can have different causes and impacts on the people around them.
Reactions
At this stage expect a lot of specific questions about how and why the person died and could it have been prevented. As they understand more about the permanence of death they may be deeply shocked, afraid and angry. They may not want to participate in games and sports with their peers as enjoyment may seem disloyal to their loved one. They may also avoid talking about the person who has died.
How to support
- As with younger ages continue to encourage asking questions, continuing memories, asking for help and reassurance.
- Create a culture in the home that all questions are okay even if you don’t have all of the answers.
- Make time as a family to remember your loved one.
- Support the development of friendships and the exploration of new activities making sure that schools and clubs are aware of what happened and how they can support.
- Acknowledge the difficult transition from primary to secondary school without their loved one and also celebrate the achievement with them.
- Remind children that the additional challenges they experience as a result of grief is not their fault.
This age group understands that death is irreversible, universal, and has a cause.
Reactions
Teenagers are already coping with changes that come with moving to secondary school and puberty. Generally they will respond to the death in ways that are recognisable in their personality (if usually anxious may become more worried, if they usually anger easily they may express anger towards their unfair loss). On
the other hand some teens may react in a way that is opposite to how they usually are (an outgoing teen may become withdrawn).
Frustration, anger, a sense of great unfairness, overwhelm, and anxiety are all emotions that could be said to be common features of both adolescence and of grieving.
How to support
- As with younger ages continue to encourage asking questions, continuing memories, asking for help and reassurance.
- Processing grief whilst also experiencing significant developmental shifts can be intense. This is a challenge, but also normal so try to be patient and understanding.
- Show how normal it is for grief to come and go. It can catch us off guard and it is okay and normal to get emotional and feel very sad. It is also okay to experience moments of joy, laugh at funny memories.
- Ask questions and listen more than giving guidance. Ask what might be helpful for them, don’t assume.
- Have realistic expectation of performance and grades which may fluctuate for a period of time following the death. Ensure that school staff are aware of what has happened so that they can also have realistic expectations and
provide support. - Remind self-critical teens that the extra challenge of grieving, in addition to coping with the challenges of being a teen, is not their fault.
- Give them time to see their friends as peers can be an important source of support.
- Regularly offer opportunities to talk to you without putting too much pressure on them to do so.
Adolescence
Adolescence is a time of great change. Teenagers struggle with issues of identity and independence as they try to bridge the gap between childhood and adulthood. Losing someone can make life very difficult.
Adolescents need clear and accurate information at the time of a death. Involving teens in the rituals can help them, but be sure to treat them in a manner appropriate to their age. They may wish to take an active part in funeral arrangements, or to mark the death in their own way.
Adolescents fully understand the concept of death. They know it is final and inevitable. However, confusion arises as they struggle with the many emotions, thoughts and mood changes that the death creates while trying to remain similar to their peers.
For more information: See Adolescence and Grief
Grief Reactions:
Following a death, children can experience various grief reactions:
Emotional responses may include fear, anxiety, confusion, anger, sadness, relief, loneliness, guilt, isolation.
Physical responses may include low energy, interrupted sleep or eating patterns, unexplained aches and pains.
Behavioural responses may include lack of concentration, temporary dis-improvement in school work, memory loss, ‘acting out’, aggression, irritability or regression to behaviour more commonly associated with a younger age (such as bed wetting, thumb-sucking, or baby talk).
Social responses may include loss of self-esteem and confidence, withdrawal from friends and activities, or a fall-off in school attendance.
Children may exhibit none, some, or many of these responses. All bereaved children and young people need to be heard and have their need for information, simple explanations and reassurance met after a loss.
A child’s reaction to death will depend on their personality, how the person died, how the family are coping, and the child’s developmental stage. Some may need extra help. Such support may include help to understand that their emotions are normal, or perhaps extra help with feelings or behaviours that are disrupting their everyday life. For a very small number of children, their needs may include addressing suicidal thoughts/behaviours, and other clinical issues which may require more specialised support.
Children’s reactions to a death can be very intense but brief, they may experience strong emotions suddenly and then seem to go back to normal everyday activities very quickly, such as playing with friends. But they will revisit those strong emotions again and again.